Sunday, June 27, 2010

I Think It Is Time

Today I decided to try out a new church. I figured that it would be nice to go to the city and seeing as how mom is in the hospital it would be convenient for me to whip by and visit her all in one trip. I did not attend church last Sunday as it was Father's Day. I did not want to go and be reminded for a whole hour of what the kids and myself have lost. I do that daily quite fine on my own without any help. Ironically at this church they did not do their Father's Day message last week but decided to do it today. Not good. No matter how hard I tried to divert my attention by reciting nonsense rhymes in my head, some of what was said still managed to get into my head. Five verses of Little Rabbit Froo Froo did not work and I was left gritting my teeth and saying over and over: "I will not cry." That did not work. Thank goodness that when I did break down the service was minutes from being over and I was sitting in the back row by the aisle so with the last "Amen" I was out of there and off down the street. I cryed all the way to the car and did pass by a couple out for a Sunday stroll. I kept my head down. I long for the day when I can go somewhere and know that I can just be at peace and take in things like a normal person. I wonder if that day will ever come.

I have been thinking of going to a different church lately. It is not so much that there is anything overtly wrong with the church I attend but I really feel like I don't fit there any more. I feel isolated and alone and it feels like I don't connect with others on any real level. I thought that in time this would get better and that maybe it is that I tend to see things through my grief coloured eyes. I feel that people do not see me when they look at me. It feels like all they see when they look at me is the lack of John. Maybe that is why I am no longer invited out or phoned by anybody. I find this aspect of widowhood very difficult. I hate being reminded that I am now just half a person. Add to the alienation the fact that I see John everywhere there. He was so much a part of everything. For some this may be a comfort but for me it is pain and heartbreak every Sunday.

I have been thinking that maybe if I start new somewhere that people will only know me for me and that I won't be trying to imagine him everywhere. The church that I attended today was very nice and the demographics are of an older congregation. I am sure that there are a lot of people like me, ones that are now only a half a person, others that have had their hearts ripped out and can understand what it is like. Perhaps I will not feel so alone there and perhaps I will find friends. Perhaps my phone will ring again. Perhaps I will be invited out to lunch or to somebodies home. Perhaps there is a place where I am not simply told to call if I need something, that instead somebody will say, "Hey come on over" and that I can feel comfortable in doing so. I don't want to be a charity case. I don't want pity. This has not been an easy decision. I just feel that if I stay where I am, I will be stuck, that things will not change and that I will have a hard time having a life and moving forward. My wheels will keep right on spinning but I will stay in the rut that I am in.

One thing that I do know, I will never forget the love and support that was shown John and I during the time he was ill, nor will I forget all the great friends that we did have together as a couple. I will treasure that in my heart forever. I will still drop by for a visit.


Michaela said...

Hi Chris. I am sorry. It's a real tough time for you still. I think maybe moving to a different Church would be a good thing. Make new friends, ones that know you as you are now. I used to find when I was a single mom that I got invited for coffee, but rarely dinner. It was a lonely time. (As if I would make eyes at anyone else's husband!) Hope it works out for you. BTW people are posting on my Oxygen blog about their charity activities. Love it if you stopped by too. Its quite inspiring to hear what people do.

Jientje said...

Hey there Chris.
I wish we lived closer. So that I COULD say, hey there, come on over, let's talk. Give you a hug. It's terrible that we're so far apart, I have always felt like we could talk for hours.
I know what you mean if you say it's time to make new friends in a different church. I think you should.I think John would want you to. He does not want you to cry anymore. You're not HALF a person to me. You're CHRISTINE and I love you for it.

Deb Shanks said...

Hi Chris, We really should meet soon! I'm away until the 6th, but would love to do coffee. Can I get hold of you then?
Deb from Dalmeny--Dana Perkins mom-friend of Becky's

footsack said...

I found it heartbreaking to read this. I don't know what has happened to our churches today.
I will be praying that God will lead you to a church where you can make a new start. I'm just so sorry that I have to.

Melanie said...

would you like to come for coffee? I'd love to have you.

I very much hope you find a church where you are accepted as a whole person, even though you only feel like half. I'll pray for a comfortable lunch invite :)

Sue said...

I am so sorry Chris! I am sorry that I won't be seeing you there any more but more sorry for the reason that you need to find somewhere else to find the fellowship and friends that you need.
I know what you mean about seeing John in so many things there. I miss him there so much too. Every time I go there I am reminded that he is gone. He was very involved in so many things, from leading the singing to missions stuff and being the "Candy Man" after church. It is very painful to watch those things continue without him. But my identity didn't change the way yours sadly has. I can't imagine how much more painful it is for you to be there.
I love you!