Thursday, October 15, 2009

The King

On Friday, October ninth at 5:40 P.M., I lost the love of my life. For days we had been watching him fade away, his body rapidly being destroyed piece by piece by the cancer that refused to go away no matter what treatment that had been used to try to beat it back. In the last month the cancer had mutated into a new and very aggressive form of Multiple Myeloma. The stem cell transplant did not stand a chance. This would also have been the end result even if we had stayed home.

He died peacefully and unafraid in the loving arms of his family. He went to be with the Lord who he loved and who he wanted to be manifest in his life. To the very end he cared for and worried about his kids and grand kids. He was sad yet remained sweet.

All who met him are missing him and cry at the news. His nurses at the hospital, the receptionist at the Kinsmen Foundation, the lady at the auto insurance place when I went to return his drivers license. For me that was a very hard thing to do because I feel like I am giving him away one piece at a time.

Last night I was reading his blog. I wish I would have encouraged him to write more. I miss him. Last night I woke up very disoriented and thought I was at the hospital staying the night and panicked when I could not hear him breathing. It took awhile to remember where I was and that he was already gone. I took me a couple of hours to go back to sleep.

I know that I am going to be alright. I feel God's love and presence and am sure that this was His will. He has been with us through the whole journey and I know that He will not leave me. He has sent so many wonderful people into my life. One of those people is my blogging friend Shelia who lives out that way. She helped so much. All my kids love her. She cried with us and laughed with us and helped lighten the load. We are going to figure out how to get you out here. You know...I do have quite a few air miles come to think of it! The nurses that cared for John were angels. They loved him and fought for him with everything they had. The doctors were compassionate.

It is good to be home. The house is filled with the dog, two cats and three of my grandchildren. My other grand children come for the day and many people stop by to bring food or to give me a hug. I guess the real test will be when they go home. Strangely, I do not dread it. I figure if I made it through all that I have, I will make it through the rest. I am not afraid to cry. I have been doing that for three years now. It says somewhere in the bible that God keeps our tears in a bottle. See! That means that He really cares. For those of you who knew and loved John, may the God who comforts me, comfort you.


little erin said...

oh my goodness. my heart is breaking for you right now. i am so terribly sorry for your loss. i will continue to pray for your family like i prayed for john. our blog friendship means so very much to me so if there is absolutely anything i can do to comfort you please do not hesitate to ask. my thoughts will be with you for quite some time. i'm sending comfort and love your way.
love erin

Trav said...

auntie chris, i can't imagine the pain that you have been feeling. sorry for your loss seems so terribly inadequate. i do want you to know that if there is anything, anything at all that you need, let me know. beck has my cell number there, or you can get it from my mom. i also want you to know that you do not grieve alone, you do not hurt alone, along with all of us, god himself grieves and pains with you. and tho he's probably getting a chuckle at uncle john's unique laugh and countless fishing stories, he is with you. but seriously, if you need anything, please don't hesitate.
much love.

diana said...

oh christine... i am so sorry. i had no idea john passed away. i cried as i read your post because i can't imagine losing a spouse and knowing how how much you must be hurting.

i will continue to pray for you and your family, for peace and comfort during this hard time.

The Invisible Mo said...

My dear Christine,
I commented on this in Facebook somewhere I think, but at the time I didn't take the time to read the links you posted to John's blog. I just did and it made me miss him so much because I could hear his voice, even though I hadn't heard it since you were here last year. I loved both his Honest Scrap lists. Quite funny, really.
Thanks for a really sweet blog and for the mention. I love all of you, too! I miss you all so much. And don't worry. I changed my 101 list and you are now on it, so sometime before September 2011 I HAVE to visit SK.

Eve said...

Finally getting around to checking on old friends. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm crying for you and for me. Your loss reminds me of my own. But tears are a good thing. They wash away so much and leave us stronger for the cleansing. I know you will miss John as I miss Ed. I am comforted knowing that Ed is with his parents and mine and with the baby daughter he lost before he knew her. And knowing that they are all waiting for me to join them when my turn comes. I know you have this kind of faith, too. (((Christine))) You will find as the days and months go by that you cannot have too many hugs.

The Walker Family said...

Dear Mrs. Braun,
I am in awe as I read your post. Your love for your husband and your trust in the Lord are beautiful. May God strengthen you more than you expect. I love the verse you referred to; Psalm 56:8 " You keep track of all my sorrows.You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
Wishing Peace to you and your family.

Jientje said...

Oh dear friend. It must be so hard. I was shortly after we "met" John had his first problems. I've read so much about him through your posts, I 'm having a hard time trying to believe he's no longer with us. But that does not mean we won't see him anymore. Hugs, take care. I love you.

Bientje said...

Dear Christine,
I am so sorry to hear John didn't make it... I am crying while I am reading your post.
Big comforting hug,

Momisodes said...

Christine, my apologies for arriving here so late. I am deeply sorry for your loss. My heart breaks just reading your words. I feel as if I've come to know you and your family in the past few years, I wish I could be there for your all. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and that I am always here.


Margaret said...

My heart is aching for you, your children and grandchildren, as well as my Mom. You have so blessed me with this post. Your love for Jesus and your quiet strength are beautiful. I knew I would miss my brother, but reading his "Honest Scrap" made me realize how much. I will pray for God's comfort to be with you always. I love you.

expateek said...

Dear Christine -- I've been away, and haven't been reading or writing much at all. Needless to say, I was so very sorry to read that John is gone. I'm thinking of you -- you've both been through so much, and it's been so hard.

Thinking of you fondly, xx e

disa said...