Thursday, May 14, 2009

Arghh, Blah, Sigh and Hrumph!

If you are feeling down in the dumps, maybe you want to reconsider reading my post today. I went to bed depressed and worried. My mood when I woke up has not improved at all. Usually when I wake up, I have a few minutes of peaceful feelings, as I slip out of that beautiful cocoon that lays somewhere between slumber and wakefulness. I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach.

My mom fell again last night. She fell trying to get into her bed. This is the fifth time she has fallen since December. The paramedics had to come and help her up again. When she falls she is not physically capable to get up on her own. I am not physically capable on my own to help her up. The good news is that again angels watched over her and she did not injure herself. I am worried that one of these days she is going to hurt herself bad. My brother and I are going through all the anxiety of coming to terms with the fact that she probably should be in a home. This just makes me want to cry. I worry that I will not be able to be there for her to the degree that I would like to be.

Yesterday we got word that a good friend of ours lost his battle with cancer. He was diagnosed in March. It was a very aggressive cancer. He never got to leave the hospital. He never got to go home even one more time. We saw him the weekend before last. He was weak as a newborn babe, his body ravaged by the cancer within yet his spirit was full of grace. He told us that he did not think that he was going to make it. He said his goodbyes and tried to comfort us all. I am saddened by my loss of a friend and my heart goes out to his family. I know that they are going to have some hard days and weeks and months and years ahead of them. I wonder what the future of myself and of my children and grand children looks like. I shoot down those thoughts as quick as they try to enter my conscience like the ugly monsters that they are.

I woke up thinking about the two transplants that John has ahead of him. I just seems so overwhelming to me this morning. I am always on edge waiting for the next curve ball to be thrown and I wonder each time that one comes, will I be able to catch it? Our transplant oncologist wants to put John on Thalidomide as a maintenance drug between the transplant here and the transplant in Seattle. Our provincial drug plan does not cover it. It is very expensive. VERY VERY VERY From what I could gather from on line research, it could cost up to four thousand dollars a month. We were given application forms to receive compassionate free drugs from the pharmaceutical company that supplies the drug. Again we have to fill out forms divulging all our personal financial information. It feels so invasive. They even want to know how much is in our checking accounts. I worry that the little that we have managed to stash for the foreseen and unforeseen emergencies will disqualify us. I worry that they will decide that perhaps we should sell our home or that our car is too fancy. This is the company that as soon as they learned that the drug was valuable in the treatment of Multiple Myeloma raised the cost of the drug 800% over the last five years or so. I just wonder how much compassion that we can expect from them.



I woke up to this. The outside world matches my spirit this morning. Bleak, dismal, arghh, blah, hrumph, sigh...... Maybe if I wash some walls, I will cheer up but not before I tackle that pesky application form, write a check to pay revenue Canada what I owe them, go to the post office and mail it and go get the new stickers for our licence plates before I forget and drive illegally and oh ya, find the parking ticket that John got last week and write a check for that too! I feel like going back to bed and staying there for the whole day and pretending that everything is just ducky. As you can see, sometimes I have trouble remembering that God is still on his throne and has everything under control.

On the up side of things. I had a wonderful Mothers Day weekend wich reminds me, PHONE MOM!

16 comments:

little erin said...

awww. i'm so sorr you are having such troubles. maybe we can set up some kind of internet fundraiser for the drugs????

Christine said...

Awww erin, you are so sweet. First lets see if the drug company comes through for us. Perhaps they will. I have become quite skilled at pleading our case so I have not really given up all hope. There is a smidge of it left breaking through the clouds occasionally.

Lucy said...

Oh, I'm sorry you are down in the dumps, I think we all have those days and with everything that is going on, you deserve a 'down in the dumps day' and you should stay in bed!!! Or, hey you could call me and I will just write that check and know what will happen to LUCY (lol)

Christine said...

D-I-V-O-R-C-E that is what would happen to Lucy. I sure don't want that on my conscience. LOL

Bientje said...

Sometimes everything just seems so unfair, doesn't it? But you always tend to seek the positive side of things and that is soooooo good Christine! I am sure that you will be able to convince the pharmaceutical company to give the necessary drug for free. I happen to have worked for a pharmaceutical company producing drugs for animals, and I am well aware of the scandalous profits they make! Human medicine works the same way! It is absolutely outrageous!
Big hug from Belgium!

Jientje said...

My little sister was here before me I see. I'm sorry all of this is happening to you. Big big hug from me too. I wish I could make it go away. I can't find the right words right now, it's near my bedtime and I'm tired. But know that I'm thinking of you and John and your family. Sending you good vibes.

diana said...

no wonder you're feeling blah. i'm so sorry everything is depressing you right now. my prayer is that that will soon change. hope you have a light and easy weekend.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
matthew 11:28-30

Sue said...

sounds like a tough day! I am glad we had supper together and I now know that some of your stress has been relieved. God is good and is still on the throne like you said. We don't always know why things happen the way they do.( this may be a good thing)I do pray that you will get the funding for the drugs John needs and more than that, we continue to pray that John will be healed of this cancer and that he would not need any drugs anymore.

God bless you Chris and I pray that you have a very good night sleep and a great day tomorrow with only good news.
I love you sister!

The Invisible Mo said...

Wow...I guess I should be thankful for rain. I just so want it to be nice, now. I need my yard to dry out.
I'm so sorry you are having one of "those" days. I know how hard it must be to think about your mom unable to pick herself back up after a fall and all the little worries that scenario can cause in your mind. It's so hard to make these decisions as our parents get older. Does your mom have one of those buttons to push that she can wear to call for help?
I hate that feeling of always being on edge and waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's got to be one of the worst feelings ever. I am sorry you have to be in that spot. I'm sure it can't be easy seeing other people lose their battle when you are in the midst of fighting yours. It's hard not to give up hope and tiring to have to keep struggling through each new battle.
I hope you will be approved for the medication to be available to you at little or no cost.
When I think about you coming here, I think how nice it will be to see you, but I sometimes forget the actual reasons behind your visit. I know you will bounce back from your feelings and rally round but I feel bad for you that you have to be so down in the dumps for right now. Here's sending some cheer dust your way and hope you feel better soon. I'm falling asleep. I will talk to you later, or maybe tomorrow.

Becky said...

We now have WAY more snow than you. Last night before bed? Nothin. Today? Lots.

Momisodes said...

Christine, I am so sorry. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend, to hear about your mother, and for those incredible medical costs. I wish there were something I could do. That we could all do to help. It is difficult to not look at your own mortality when faced with so much at once. And that snow is no help! That is awful...in May!

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family. I am crossing my fingers that the drug company will come through for you.

Eve said...

Ah, Christine. Wish I had a magic wand, I would make it all go away. You and John are in my prayers. (It's ok to take some time to wallow occasionally - I know you won't overdo it.)

expateek said...

Sorry to hear about all your sorrows... I'm thinking of you.

sandra said...

Whenever I'm depressed, I go to cuteoverload. It's not a cure, but it helps me. I had to deal with serious chronic illness when I was young. I don't know if I could do it now.

sandra said...

Oh, Yeah. Snow sucks.

Karen said...

Oh, you don't even want to know what I think of the pharmaceutical companies--they are so greedy! If they wanted to be compassionate, then they would price their drugs so that people who need them could get them.